God, can you hear me, its Heidi?

Over the past 3 1/2 yrs i have definitely lost faith in God. Too many losses, too much pain. Did I do something to deserve it all, a question I asked myself many times. I even questioned getting both girls baptized, whats the point, God hasn't protected me, my loved ones. Lately Ryan and I have been so sick of work, and the day to day monotony, the feeling like you are stuck in hamster wheel, and one day will wake up, and it will all be over and all you will have is regrets. Now don't get me wrong, I am profoundly grateful I have 2 beautiful daughters, a wonderful husband and jobs that still here. But, we always have that feeling, that something is missing, we lost out on things, the way our lives should have been. And then yesterday happened. And everything changed. In 45 mins time I went from laughing at work on "culling day", to sobbing while a cardiologist told me my 33 yr old husband was having a heart attack. For the next 2 hrs i sat and waited. and prayed. to a God I wasn't even sure existed. Or if he did, he didn't care about me. As the time passed, I started assuming the worst, I started thinking I how I would live without Ryan, how would I be a mom and a dad, how could this be happening. I am evil apparently. Finally, the doctor walked toward me, Ryan was recovering, a long road is ahead, but we can follow it together. So God, I'm sorry, I know you exist, and you love me, and my family, i can't get a clearer sign. Maybe you could say it was luck, that Ryan was in that nursing home, on that day, with that nurse, that he didn't just go home, and fall asleep. But not me. God can't save everyone, but I'm forever grateful he saved the person I'm pretty sure i couldn't live without.