The BF Blues

So, here are my thoughts regarding breastfeeding and me;

1. I have a big baby, a almost 11lb baby. I am convinced mother nature does not know this, and I have the same amount of milk as a woman with a 7 lb baby. Talking to friends who have breastfeed, they got 2 oz pumping at first, just like me. Only my baby doesn't eat 2 oz, she eats 3-5oz. When every other feeding is 1.5 hrs long and she is still hungry and i have to give her a couple oz of formula or pumped milk, i don't have enough milk.

2. I have a 2 kids. If Olivia was my first and only, I could spend 1.5 hours every couple hours feeding. She is not, and yesterday after the 3rd tantrum, and Jillian yelling "put that baby on the couch momma, put her down", and I'm crying, and Ryan's frustrated trying to keep Jillian happy when all she wants is me, I realized there has to be a better way. Jillian is a good girl, and 20-30mins she doesn't mind me with the baby, but over and hour- too much. I just remember what a lady at work said, if the baby and toddler are both crying, tend to the toddler first, she will remember and be the one to resent the new baby. the new baby will never remember who you went to first.

3. I know it gets better, with time and patience and all that. But, I'm only breastfeeding tops 3.5 months, I can't do it when i go back to work. So, it seems after 3 months is when it "gets good" and they feed fast and its convenient. So, I feel like I'm starving to fit into a dress I will never wear. I'm gonna suffer and struggle the next few months, and never get to the good stuff.

4. I am uncomfortable. I am not someone who can whip it out in a crowd. So, every time someone comes over, i leave the room. If she feed for 20mins fine, but leaving for over an hour, not fun. And since she isn't getting enough, i have no feed schedule, either she goes 1-2 hrs. I'm dreading visitors, which sucks.

5. I'm sick of crying, worrying, feeling guilty, ect... Jillian is (to me!) the smartest little girl ever, and she was formula fed. So, why am I torturing myself with this? She's been sick a handful of times, never on antibiotics or anything. Yesterday Jillian touched my face and said, Momma so sad, momma doesn't want to be sad anymore.

So, i'm gonna pump, it takes 15 mins, so i can do it before or after i feed her. I will probably have to pump 2 times to get enough for one bottle, but if i do it 8 times a day, thats 4 bottles, and half her daily food. Hopefully by the time ryan goes back to work in 2 weeks, i will pump enough for one bottle, and maybe as i pump and build up my supply, and i can go back to the breastfeeding. Olivia has seemed pretty easy alternating between the bottle and boob so far. Or, maybe when ryan goes back to work i stop, and be happy she got 3 weeks worth. Either way, I feel a lot better today, even on 5 hrs sleep!